Fortune cookies

This is a list of fortune cookies that I collected over time.

Answer
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
Army
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
You're away
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
- Samuel Hoffenstein -
Bees
This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see
You cannot tell the he from the she
But she can tell, and so can he
The little bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill
And that is why, in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.
Brain
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
- Emo Phillips -
Carry
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H -
Chaos
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
City
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
- Herbert Prochnow -
Cold weather
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
- Mark Twain -
Commercial
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
- Rod Serling -
Confusion
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S. Truman -
Damn
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
- Mark Twain -
Decadence
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
- John O'Hara -
Diplomacy
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
English
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
- Clarence Darrow -
Eureka
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
- Isaac Asimov -
Famous last words
(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
(2) "You and what army?"
(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
Fifty-fifty
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
Flinstone
To be is to do.
- I. Kant -
To do is to be.
- A. Sartre -
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
- F. Flinstone -
Forgiveness
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
French
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.
- Alan J. Perlis -
Gandhi
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Glasses
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Hammer
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
- Maslow -
Hammering
Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
Health
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Foxx -
Heineken
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
Income
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
- Samuel Butler -
Infertility
Infertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
IQ
The IQ of a group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Love
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H.L. Mencken -
Magnum
Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
Mathematicians
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -
Micrometer
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Money
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Money again
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Moon
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the light more."
Neckties
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
- Lin Yutang -
Ours
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
- Vine Deloria, Jr. -
Pavlov
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Path
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
- Ronald Mabbitt -
Peanut
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.
- Channing Pollock -
Progress
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Professor
There once was an old man from Esser
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a College Professor
Punctual
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
Rainbow
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
- Bert Whitney -
Rotten
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
Sex
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Swami X. -
Sex & logic
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
Standards
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -
Tree
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
- Ogden Nash -
University
University, n.:
Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ...
Weighing
Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.
(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced.
(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
- Robert Burns -
Winter
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx -
Writers
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

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